Twitter

https://twitter.com/FakeGothard

Mono-Trunks

<Beyond fed up with modesty posts. Replying with satire here because I don't have the guts to post it on my own wall. Yet. Give me a couple weeks of seeing 8 posts a day...>

In light of scientific evidence proving not only the rise of homosexuality, but also the data showing that both homosexual men and straight women are significantly aroused by bare male shoulders and pecs, I have decided to start a business. 

I will design and market "mono-trunks," a modest swimwear option for men that includes an attached shirt. It will be a bear to get off; you will seriously contemplate just holding it. Your sons will *never* get out the water to use the restroom again, but it is only responsible to teach them while they're young that their bodies, especially the little butt-cracks that sometimes are revealed by dropping trunks, are special and should only be seen and enjoyed by their future spouses. 

Getting the mono-trunk back on when it's wet will constitute and aerobic event. You will freeze for the extra hours it takes to dry, but because you love your fellow mankind and wish to assist them in their noble quest for purity, you will wear one. Choosing to continue to wear a worldly, "short-styled" swimsuit will result in all of your motives being judged by your fellow Christian brothers. If you do not choose to defer, you will be called "unloving." If you do not make it a priority to see yourself through the eyes of your gay brothers and weak sisters, you will be called "deliberately seductive." Frankly, your entire spirituality and love for God may be questioned if you continue in immodesty. 

I know that as servant-leaders and gentlemen, sacrificing comfort and the luxury of not considering how your clothing choices affect others is a small price to pay to show love and help others stay strong.
Don't just be a man. Be a gentleman. 

The mono-trunk will launch in the spring of '14.

Gentlemen, step right up and place your pre-orders today and encourage this company's commitment to modesty!!!

<cue crickets>

Person of Interest

Testimonies you will never see in the ATI newsletter

How an Old Man Demonstrates: I may, Others may not

How a Family Broadened their Musical Horizons

How an Old Minister Learned the Lesson of: Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out

How to conquer the Addiction of Legalism

How the Light of the Eyes Doesn’t Mean Squat

How attending a real college equipped me for a real job

How the Old Goat brought a Whole New Meaning/Freedom to the song “O be careful little feet where they go”

Embracing your God given gift of Masculinity through facial hair

How a Marriage Was Strengthened By Rejecting a Strict Upbringing

How a Woman Found Freedom by Embracing Her Basic, Non-Optional Rights as a Woman

How Avoiding an Arranged Marriage Showed Discernment

How Bike Accidents Were Avoided By No Longer Biking in a Skirt

How an Influential Leader Earned the Distrust of Thousands by Fudging Past Facts

How a Legalist Placed Heavy Burdens on Thousands of Families

How a Female Pastor showed me the True Meaning of Grace

How Playing the Skin Flute Saved a Marriage

How Gothard Demonstrated Discontent with Male Apprenticeship Students by Sending Them Home from Headquarters for Developing a Crush on one of Bill’s “Prayer Book” Girls

How striving to follow all the Basic Principles Led to Spiritual Bankruptcy

How I Went From Failure to Success by Attending a Secular University

The Benefits of Reasonable Business Debt

How My Mother Lead her Co-Worker to Christ

How the Kama Sutra Strengthened Our Marriage

How my Baby learned to Sleep through the Night by Feeding on Demand

The Blessings of Proposing Marriage When Her Father Disapproves

How ATISS members showed Boldness by Posting Recovering Grace articles on their Personal Facebook Wall

How a Girl was Saved from Drowning By Following the Principle of Buoyancy

How Former Gothard’s Apprenticeship Students Demonstrate Truthfulness by Rising Up and Calling him out

How Rihanna took a New Approach to Standing Alone under her Umbrella

How Women Find Success in Business by Working Outside the Home and Employing Housekeepers (How to be a True Proverbs 31 Woman)

How Careful Research Disproves Common Myths

The Ongoing Investigation into the Root Cause of why ATI Parents fast-forward Kissing Scenes in Movies

How Being Sent Home Began to Make Students Aware of the Kool-Aid

How an Entire Generation was taught the Importance of Being Judgmental

Untangling the Church Music Debate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BOFSwsAlbg

ATI pick-up lines

Hey girl, would you like to stand under my umbrella?

Hi, I’d like to buy you a drink. Would you prefer milk or water?

Hi, I’ve lost my number, may I have your Dad’s?

I like big vans and I cannot lie, the other fellas can’t deny…

You are so special to me, I wrote your name at the top of my Sermon on the Mount chart poster

Babe, I’m going to need a ladder to climb this wall over the stronghold I just built by looking at you

Will you walk with me as I take seven steps to freedom?

In my minute book, you’re the fold-out

You have such a Godly countenance

Well the Bible says to greet one another with a holy kiss

Would you like to be my accountability partner?

My Mom says you have good birthing hips

God told me you are his will for my life

My Spiritual gift is you

If you liked my Basic, you should see my advanced

I’d let you defraud me any day

I can’t help being grateful for your unchangeable features

Do your feet hurt? Cuz you’ve been running through God’s plans for me all your life

So, do you mostly struggle with Bitterness, Temporal Values or Moral Impurity?

I’ll show you my Faith Journal if you’ll show me yours

May I walk you to your car with the intent of marriage?

Would you like to see my Bill Gothard autographed Bible?

You know, I have a perfect plan for you as a G-I-R-L too

Are you from a first year family?

Would you like to produce the String ensemble I plan on fathering?

I’m looking down at the floor on the outside, but on the inside I’m gazing into your bright eyes

The Lord revealed a rhema to me about you when I was reading Proverbs 31 this morning that I’d like to share with you

Would you like to join me in my prayer closet?

You had me at Sermon on the Mount

Is that your Ministry smile, or are you just happy to see me?

You are my life purpose

Others may, I cannot stop thinking about you

Hi, is your name Grace? Because I have the desire and power to do your will

Babe, I’ve been meditating on you all day

If you were a Character Sketch, you’d be a Fox

I can be your Hero of Faith baby

The new lineup on x-ati TV that will be a blessing to you and your family

Waking Ned Devine for Wisdom Search

Men who stare at Wisdom Booklets

Survivor: Northwoods

Snow White and the Seven Basic Principles

Message in a Bible (How forbidden courtships passed notes)

P.S. I pray for you

Dear John, please don’t tell my dad I wrote you

The Sound of Rock Music

Debt Free Willy

Pineapple Express Story

Cloudy with a Chance of Whole Wheat Bread

Crouching Rebel, Hidden Steve Green CD

12 Angry Men who get over it before the sun goes down

Wag the Dogma

Failure to Launch the 40-year-old virgin

Lie to me again

Clay Potter and the Impurity of Doom

The man who knew too little and taught about it anyway

World’s Deadliest Courtships

He’s just not that into you, a courtship story

My Big Fat ATI Betrothal

27 Modest Dresses

The Notebooks

The Usual Suspects get locked in a prayer room

Bridget Jones Faith Journal

America’s Got Deflected Praise

Lord of the Ring Binder

No Ordinary Fundies

Keeping up with the Duggars

Cheaper by the 2 Dozen

Never Home Alone

Training Center 5-0

Poop Floats

Fasting at Tiffany’s

Oceans 11 Brothers

The Young and Rebellious

The Hitchhikers Guide to Knoxville

A Rebel Runs through it

McKim Possible

Horton hears a Rhema

Harry Potter and the Pearl of Great Price

Willie Gothard and the Chalk-talk factory

Perfect Strangers and yet we still got married

Desperately seeking Susan’s hand in Courtship

Not so Modern Family

Legally Blonde with Soft Curls

Clueless, about life

Around the Training Centers in 80 Days

Whose Rhema is it anyway?

Resident Good is often Enemy of the Best

The Sisterhood of the travelling ankle-length skirts

The 10,000 Commandments

The Proposal, to my Dad

Groundclaiming Day

To kill a mocking fool

My Big Fat Fundy Wedding

30 going on 13

10 Things I Praise about you

Chasing Amy leads to Destruction

The Devil wears Prada so I cannot

True Blood – there’s power in it

Family Fella

Steps to Freedom from American Idols

Everybody Loves Gothard

Seven Non-Optional Principles before Courting my Teenage Daughter

Miss Modesty Pagent

The Sopranos: It will be worth it all

Training Center Musical

Oakbrook 60522

Judging Others

Pilot Families: The Next Generation

Sabrina the Teenage Staff Girl

Walker, Texas Drill Instructor

Married with many children

Eight is not enough

Prayer Closet Break

Desperate Midwives

How I Courted your Mother

Northwoods Exposure (Warning: contains brief scenes involving pants)

Full House (forever)

The Apple Denton gang

The Next Top Virtuous Woman

Extreme Chalk-talk Makeover

Teenage Mutant Mighty Arrows

My Little Phony

You might be in ATI if...

You couldn’t listen to certain types of music or watch TV and felt estranged from society

Going to church and attending the youth group (if allowed) was a heavy form of culture shock

You can draw a 3-D stronghold

You consider “overhead operator” a legitimate career option

Treasures of the Snow is one of your most watched movies

You can list all the eye disorders by the age of 6

You are not much different than a redneck but you think you’re holier than one

You’ve ever quoted Psalm 1 complete with hand motions

When your mom is asked “are these all your kids” she says “no, there are three more at home”

You’ve ever complemented someone on their countenance

You know the difference between praise and flattery and make sure all your complements are done correctly

You know what the word rhema means, how to spell it and use it in a sentence

You help the “fellas” guard their eyes by saying “don’t look to your right”

You’ve memorized Matthew 5, 6, and 7 and Romans 6, 7 and 8, The book of James and pretty much all the Psalms and Proverbs

You’ve ever tried to chew on crayons

Your Family vacations were going to a Training Seminar in Knoxville

You don’t see anything wrong with having an affiliation with a group who has a compound known only as “Headquarters”

Your parents gave you the “standing alone” talk but never the sex talk

You’ve made a vow and then wondered what the best way to approach your dad might be to convince him to release you of the vow “in the day he hears of it”

You know what your name means, your siblings names, most of your neighbors and could probably pull a meaning off the top of your head for the mailman if you had to

You know you’re getting enough fiber if your poop floats

You’ve ever asked someone to point out your “blind spots” for you

Your entire family turned the paper placemats over in the Chinese restaurant so not to be lead astray by the horoscope

As a child, you’ve ever willingly burned any of your toys to keep demons from getting at you in your sleep

You actually thought of the sloth as a bad animal because it’s so lazy

You can walk faster than most people can run. Redeeming the time baby

You can’t wait until Knoxville to hear how God spoke to Mr. Gothard during his time of prayer and fasting. Maybe this year it will be a triple portion

You can’t hear the hymn Heavenly Sunshine without mentally filling in the sound of running octaves

You know a clip-on tie can save a man form a violent and untimely death

You don’t know the rules to poker, but you are a real shark at Character Clues

You have more siblings than cousins

15 passenger vans were a status symbol

You sometimes worry that you are not being enough of an Energy Giver

You’ve watched the Pineapple Story just for fun

You’ve walked out of church because “canned rock music” was being played

Your family eats at Pizza Hut and your Dad asks the management to turn the music off

You learn the greek alphabet in grade 1

You’ve ever told a guy who’s asked you out to ask your Dad for permission

Sleeping in was anything past 5 am and you felt guilty if you missed a 5 am Wisdom Search

You wrote ATI or ATIA on your vehicle on the way to Knoxville

You sincerely believe that rock music will kill your plants

You were ever asked “Why did you cut off your glory?”

You use the words “carnal” and “sensual” in a normal conversation and end up getting funny stares

You fought with your siblings over who would get to read the IBLP Newsletter first

You have ever asked someone to tell you their spiritual gift, shortly after meeting that person and then formed all sorts of assumptions about that person after hearing their answer

x-ati shirt logo ideas

I’m too modest for this t-shirt

There was an umbrella song before Rihanna

I’m frumpy and I know it

Eye Trap!

Warning! Unsocialized Homeschooler!

Who needs Kollege?

If you’re reading this then you missed my bright eyes

You say “cult” like it’s a bad thing

This t-shirt is not navy and white

KID FARM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnSBIMfmv7I